I wanna talk about it. But first, stop for a moment and think about what nature means and is to you. What comes to mind when the word nature pops up?

Done? Cool. Now let’s go over that little thing I asked you to do. Nature can mean a variety of things for all sorts of people. After taking a look at what the Webster dictionary says, it seems to really boil down, to the basics, the very essence of us, each other, and in general just life. Be it the outdoors, our instincts, etc. They’re all the basis of such, uncolored and unmodified. All natural if you will.

I’ve come to notice(yeah like everything else I write about here), that we tend to fight nature in nearly every aspect of life. We’re all guilty.

We eat junk food instead of the fresh food that comes from the earth.

We stay up late like I am now even though our body says to sleep.

We use auto tune instead of our own voices to sing(Jay Z knows whats up).

And there’s tons more we can come up with all day long. But what I wanted to get at, is what happens when we do fight the force of nature? Bad shit happens. Back to those examples:

You get fat, and gain all sorts of health risks.

You’re exhausted and become unproductive.

Your music sounds like shit.

I kid about the music. A little.

Stop again and think about a recent time you went against the flow of nature? What were the consequences? Pretty bad huh?

Sometimes we forget that nature itself is powerful. It gives us beautiful sunsets, snow capped mountains, walls of majestic waves, and more. But at the same time, she can turn on us. She’ll send us earthquakes, storms, and all sorts of stuff. But like we established earlier, mother nature is only part of it.

We need to realize that the things we do in life play by the same rules as mother nature. They need to be natural, simple, not complicated, and at the right time. When we go against those things, rush or delay those things, etc, there are severe consequences just like with mother nature. BUT when we just let it happen and take its course, it’s just as beautiful as those calandar and poster photos of the outdoors.

Imagine if we tried to create sunset at lunch time, or have a winter wonderland in the heat of summer? That would pose some problems right? So why do we do it with our own lives? Why do we do attempt things when it’s not our time? Why do we try to make people the way we want them when they can’t? It’s really no different, yet we treat them like they are.

Knowing this, we should all make an effort to be more conscious about “nature,” and in turn be “natural.”

Shadows are behind us. Shadows are in our past, where we were. Shadows are dark and conceal things. We try to run from them, but they always follow.

Our history can be looked at like our life’s shadow.

Our history is behind us. Our history is in our past, where we were. Our history can be dark and can conceal things. We try to run from it, but it always follows.

But our shadows can’t be looked at like our history.

Our shadows are a flat lifeless product of us, a copy if you will. On the other hand we are three dimensional product of our history, full of life. Quite the opposite of what our shadow is to us.

But is that really the case? How often are we lifeless products of our history? How often do we do things against our will, or against what’s right or logical, because of past and historical ideals and notions?

I urge everybody to stop and analyze your life and what you do. Are you really doing what you want to do in your heart? Are you doing the right thing? Or are you just being a shadow of your history?

I encourage everyone to really think about this and reclaim your life. Some of us have been letting our past use us, when we should instead be using it to shape a better tomorrow for us and everyone who we share this world with.

One of my sups at work also went dual function like me, and brought up something he loved that he saw in baggage that he didn’t see at the checkpoint. That there was a sense of community, a camraderie that was no where to be found upstairs. People help out with things they’re not tasked to do, cover each other, and go the extra mile. He described it like Japanese culture which is generally known for being collective, unlike the individualistic one that thrives on our side of the world. People work together with the goals of the group as a whole. They work out the little kinks and make the small sacrifices or put in the extra effort knowing what it could lead to for everyone.

That’s not how it is here. Everyone is all about getting on top and leaving each other behind in the dust. Instead of seeing how we can succeed with our competitors and neighbors, we make eliminating them our goal. It’s ruthless.

Why am I talking about this? I guess it has to do with what’s happening at my current job, and the luau at Davis that was last night. It’s nice to see this family like environment. It should be something we all desire if we already don’t. We really need to stop being selfish and look out for people more often. I suppose this is a continuation of what I said in the smiling post, but the past few days have really reinforced that for me.

Alright. So I started this post with a sense of urgency that’s been missing thus far. So here it is, I’m gonna contradict what I just said. Kind of.

If you’re in a group that can’t change on it’s own, and get to where it needs to be, then it’s time to be selfish and GTFO.

You can only help people so much. If they can’t help themselves or won’t take the help, then there’s not much you can do. Yeah, that’s a pretty cruel thing to do, leave people on the curb like that. What happend to that whole bit about having people’s back, making the sacrifice for the greater good?

I still strongly believe that, but it only works if everyones in on it. I mean some may take a little longer to get into groove, but if you’ve done what you can and people don’t still can’t get with it, you really just have to go somewhere else or go on your own. Separate yourself and let yourself find or end up with those you can make it happen with.

The reboot is in less than twenty four hours and recent events and revelations couldn’t be any more reasons to justify it.

I don’t know if it was the beautiful weather in the city today, the calm serenity surrounding the Peace Tower, or maybe my unagi and Kirin milk tea, but there’s definitely something out there to be happy and smile about. Just stop and soak in that tranquility and you’re bound to find something, be it the dogs running around, the cutest comments you hear from a nearby toddler, the taste of your food, anything.

Those of you that know me, know that I love to laugh and goof off, but I’m not one to have I guess what you would call a smiling face. I suppose I have a face that’s kind of stern, almost like I’m moderately upset, even if I’m having a great day. For some reason though, I’m noticing myself smiling much more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m enjoying my new schedule, or if its my smiling that’s making me enjoy my schedule. Thursday I had a passenger jokingly tell me, “don’t smile too much, it’s bad for you.”

It’s funny to me because I feel I’m typically a stress free, happy go person, so you’d think I’d have a smile on my face more but I really don’t think I did. Probably the only times I really smiled would be to smile at a pretty girl who I made eye contact with. Now I’m just smiling everywhere. Shit, I’m smiling as I type this. And you know what, I’m actually enjoying it.

So to make this post not about me, everyone should smile. I know people say that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but it doesn’t usually feel that way. I think you gotta train your face to do it or something, because at first it was hard for me. Now I can’t stop smiling or grinning at the simplest of things. Which I feel is great, and I think would be better for all of us. We’d start appreciating little things more, we wouldn’t worry nearly as much about silly things, and the day would just go by so much faster and smoother than if we were pissed off and mugging everyone.

Like today, after checking a lady’s ID and boarding pass, she told me thank you by name, and that I was very friendly. The tone in her voice and her expression gave off that she didn’t expect it, but she was more than welcome to have it. It’s sad on our part that people come to the airport dreading the whole process, but look: A little thing like smiling and being courteous made a thing like checking identification go from tedious to trivial.

Now imagine if we did it all day long with other things. But let’s take it further, let’s not just smile, but keep up that general courtesy. Let other people go first, help someone at with their kid, a door, little things that really don’t consume much of our day, or ask much of us. Boy would the world be a much easier place to live in. That’s not even donating time or money to the less fortunate or anything some may thing is a lot. It’s just simply smiling, and putting others before us.

So if you didn’t already know, I’ve joined Covenant’s Dual Function team. So on top of checkpoint screening, I’ll also be down inside the bag rooms screening checked baggage.  Right now I’m doing my on the job training, with the same 0400-1230 schedule I’m slowly learning to get used to. After my two weeks of training, I’ll be working 1600-2030. So my summer’s pretty much gone. The past weekend I’ve just been dwelling on how much this summer is gonna suck.

After letting it simmer for a while, I’ve realized it’s not such a bad thing. Part of it might be because today I ran into a friend in a similar predicament. This friend came from Circuit City with me, and stayed till the last day, unlike my selfish ass who jumped ship as soon as I saw things were gonna be rocky. He almost got a nice gig at Apple Corporate, where he’d be in charge of Apple retailers on a district level, in this case the Dublin area. Essentially he was supposed to take the job of someone who was on maternity leave, but last minute HR came in and laid down the law and wouldn’t have it. After hearing this, I replied that on the bright side, maybe they’ll offer him a job closer to San Francisco. So maybe it was really a blessing in disguise. Kind of. Or it could be just me trying to see the glass half full.

With that in mind, I thought it was about time to look at my situation the same way. I kept joking that I’m gonna come out of the next six months ripped and smarter because all I’m gonna do is lift bags and read inbetween(if we ignore the time I’ll also spend at the checkpoint lol). And since I won’t see my friends as much, and I’m gonna be up in the AM, what else is there to do other than work out, and read/watch stuff?

But I thought about what this meant for me in the bigger picture. Recently I’ve been frustrated with where certain parts of my life has gone over time. I don’t feel like I’m in a bad place, but I think if things have went another way, i’d be in a much better place than I am now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think i’m a fuck up or something, I just know I didn’t make all the best decisions the past few years since highschool. I’m starting to find that this six month period coming up is a chance to make up for some of it.

I’m not gonna pull out a laundry list of things I think I need to resolve or change, but I’ve got a general idea of where I want to be, and the things that I need to do to get there. I suppose what I’m trying to do or say is, I’m planning on going through some changes, and want to be accountable for it, but at the same time I want to be discreet about the process for everyone’s sake. However I do want people to know where I want to be.

People ask me all the time what I want to do, if I want to make a career out of Covenant, etc. Generally questions about what am I gonna do with my life professionally?

To be honest, I want to be a bum. Really. I want to write. I want to tell stories and to document life. That’s really it. I don’t really want a nice home, a fancy car, etc. I don’t care so much for those things. You’re probably thinking, “You sure we’re talking about the same Ben?” And I’ll laugh with you, but it’s gonna go back to remorse I’ve been holding for the past few years of my life. I feel those who are close to me, can see the bits of this, and genuinely believe me.

I also want to live more like an animal. Animal’s live solely on survival. Because us humans have free will, we throw emotion into the mix. Too much in my opinion. I need a better balance between my emotions and survival instincts. Enough so I can use my emotions to tell me to save a child from an oncoming car, but to use my primeval instinct to realize I’ve made/make enough to live, and that anymore would be superfluous and just greedy.

I know these were a little vague on what I plan on doing within the coming months, but I think it details enough on where I want to be in the the long run. I understand that these topics kind of encompass a lot of things I can attempt or reach, and I apologize for being ambiguous. Given the short time frame, you can get a rough idea of the things I’m going to try do to based on what you know of me. Without sounding rude or obnoxious, I’m not gonna waste my time trying to explain myself, because if you don’t understand where I’m coming from(or I suppose trying to get to), you’re probably not one of the people whose opinion or advice I seek. To those who do understand, I’m openly asking you to put up with me and monitor me as I try to develop in the coming months.

Sorry about this entry not being so much about optimism, as it is me using optimism to get to the next step in m life.

From my experience, people tend to place their priorities in the wrong order.

One person I spoke with today was worried about pleasing his family. This person was getting grilled by their family for not being in school anymore. He rationalized that at the moment is wasn’t financially viable, and he was already gonna be in debt for a while because of past student loans.  He was finally happy with what work he was doing, and they were knocking him because it wasn’t some fancy job he got via a degree.

I had to explain that it was good that he’s easily satisfied with things in life, that he shouldn’t feel bad for that. I commended him for not feeling he needed a hot shot career, a big home, and all that other stuff that people in this country strive for. Not that those are bad things, but some of us need to realize we don’t need those things or thing that come with them to be happy. This person needed to hear that he wasn’t in the wrong, and not having those things didn’t make him a failure. If anything, he needed to know that at such a young age, he should consider that a tremendous victory, not a failure.

Many people achieve what society labels as success, yet still can’t grasp simple ideas such as selflessness and contentment which is very sad. I was watching miniature earth the other day, and it’s really eye opening. I mean if more people can learn to live with just what they need, or living to help the good of others, the world would be in a much better place. I mean yeah that sounds like a childish fairytale fantasy, but after growing up for a bit, it really doesn’t seem that impossible.

Take for example Gary, the owner of Comic Outpost. According to Jayrod, he sold the shop recently. Surprisingly it wasn’t because of the economy, it’s actually doing very well. Which makes sense, as statistics say in times of economic uncertainty, one thing that continues to strive is entertainment. His reasoning for selling was because his wife’s salon was also doing well, and it’s time to kickback and raise up his new kid.

That’s a shocker. Being happy with enough money? Raising your own child instead of the babysitter? Living a happy life that doesn’t revolve around money and material goods? Blasphemy!

Yesterday me and a friend had to visit T.A.D Gear for their new Maratac style watch straps. But as we came in, we decided we couldn’t leave without a jacket of some sort. So we did(my undecisive ass is gonna exchange mine tomorrow lol). After feeling some buyer’s remorse he said he needed to prioritize his life. I told him it’s not hard, and I personally feel there’s a simple formula to it:

You gotta start with yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to complain about things down the line. Be it how you interact and respond to others, how a piece of clothing fits, or how a certain tool/device doesn’t completely cater to your needs like you expected. When I say prioritize yourself, I’m not telling you to start being selfish. That’s against everything I’m about. What I mean is to get yourself in the shape you feel you need to be, both physically and mentally. Being healthy and fit doesn’t mean you need to look like people on the cover of health and fitness magazines. It means just that, being healthy enough to not worry about your body giving you problems, and being fit to do the activities you enjoy.

Now that you’ve got your body where you want it to be, I think you need to arrange your home. I don’t think people need to necessarily have clean or organized rooms, but I think they should have rooms that cater to their needs and interests. By that I mean you gotta have your own Wayne Manor and your bat cave. I mean, when it’s time to work and get stuff done, you got your bat cave. When you need to relax and let loose, you got Wayne Manor. Not only do I feel you need to separate the two to some extent, but you gotta figure out how to organize them. You don’t want to waste time on the wrong things. I feel if you don’t lay things out the right way, so tasks are streamlined and effortless, you’re gonna be running into a lot of unnecessary walls and frustration.

Lastly, you need to find the accessories and gear for your particular life. Instead of spending money on the latest and greatest, you need to get things that simply get the job done and keep the load off your shoulders. More is always nice, but we don’t need it. Are you really gonna fully use 8gb of ram and a quad core processor? Maybe, maybe not. Is a 50″ flat panel tv really necessary? Probably never. On top of that, your gear should cater to your needs, not the needs of insert super cool dude with gadgets here. I have(maybe had) this huge problem with having things for situations I’ll probably never find myself in. For instance lenses, I mostly shoot wide or with a normal focal length without flash. Except I insisited on having a long prime, a wide aperture telephoto zoom, and two speedlights on top of my wide to normal zoom, and my normal prime. Now I shoot with a Ricoh GX100, and am patiently waiting for the Sigma DP2. I guess I’m just saying, if you specialize in close quarter combat, you have no business with a sniper rifle.

So I hope this entry helps someone out there. By no means am I trying to come off like I know shit and I’m here to teach the uninformed masses. These are just things I’ve come to learn the hard way in life, and I just hope I can let some of you guys know so you don’t have to go through the same bullshit I did. Good day.

…was the song playing when I got hit by a car today. It was a little before three thirty am. I was at S. Airport Blvd. at North Access Rd./380 and checked for oncoming traffic and crossed halfway. When I got to the middle at the partition, I saw cars approaching the 380 offramp, so I began to step off the partition. Next thing I know is there’s a car directly in front of me, then I’m suddenly upside down and I land on the asphalt.

As I was getting up the first thing that came to mind was what happened to the music? Why did Silversun Pickups stop playing? Then I tried to look for my phone and saw it a few feet in front of me on the floor.

The older Filipino lady frantically got out of her 02 Honda CR-V to check the broken side view mirror and to see if I was okay. I told her I’d be fine, there’s just some pain in my arm, but I just want to get to work. She said to sit down and that she was going to call 911. She kept yelling at me and to whomever was on the phone that it wasn’t her fault, that I ran into the street, and I yelled back telling her to calm down, that I wasn’t looking and it wasn’t her fault. Then I realized I couldn’t see far. So I turned on flashlight and started hunting to no avail. She told emergency dispatch that I was in a little pain, and that she was too from suddenly braking. They asked me for my information, as well as her automobile information, then I gave it back to her.

Miguel walked by and saw me, and came to see what happened. I explained the situation and to let our work know I might be late. But I asked for help finding my glasses, and then Matt showed up and found them about ten feet behind the car in one piece, just a barely noticeable nick on the left lens that doesn’t affect my seeing. Matt told me I should really get checked and stood by and waited with me, I told him not to worry and just go before he’s late for work, and just tell them what happened and that I’d call the SCC.

I dialed the SCC and let them know I’d be running late. He asked for my badge number, and I told him to gimme a sec to pull out my badge. He must have heard the three fire trucks in the background, because he said nevermind, just give me your last name. Paramedics asked if I needed attention, and I told them I’m in pain but I’ll be fine, and that the lady was overreacting. SCC said they’re giving me an ETA of 0600 and to call the ACC if there was any changes.

SFPD pulled up and the officer did his thing, and politely asked for the the story. Again, the lady kept stating it wasn’t her fault and such, and again I had to reassure her, it was mine. The officer was alright with this, but had her move her car out of the intersection, got our information and checked out the damage on the car.

I told the lady I know someone at Honda and that I used to work on cars so don’t go and pay for anything yet. This way I can find the part(s), and do it myself. The officer was cool with it, and then another police car pulled up. He said we were good to go, and I asked if I could get a ride to terminal three. He told me to wait a second and that it wouldn’t be a problem.

After speaking with the other officer he said he’ll unlock the passenger side, then he let me in. He dropped me off at the west checkpoint, right before four. I was able to scan in at four on the dot, and get to east for my guardmount without being a minute late.

Most of the day was people checking to see if I was okay, and making jokes like there were Honda or license plate marks on me. A lot criticized me for even coming, and not getting checked. I told them I’d go after work with my mom. I had to show up. I told people I didn’t want to get an occurrence on my record, which was part of it, but I had to prove I wasn’t getting hand outs at work. That my success and the attention I was getting wasn’t because of my mom, but because despite how much I hate my government and the Department of Homeland Security, when it’s time to work, I do my job to the best of my fucking ability and then some.

Yes, I probably should have swallowed my pride and got checked from the scene. I just couldn’t think of a better opportunity to prove why within a week outside of probation, I had red bars on my shoulders. That within my first year, I was being trained by the control center. People needed to see my dedication, my unfaltering will. I simply couldn’t put my selfishness in check, and I continued to do so.

While I sat on x-ray, I couldn’t stop thinking of the one we saw on Friday. It’s quite ironic, since we aren’t even sure if it’s her. Which brings me to today’s entry.

People claim they see their lives flash before them when they’re in a near death situation. They say they see those who matter the most to them. I don’t believe that. I’m probably very wrong, because I’ve only had one near death situation to go off by. In the instant before impact, nothing flashed. I don’t even think my brain realized that I was right in front of a car until it hit me. I’m not saying that it was too fast for anything to happen, but I think it’s the event itself that makes people think that way.

I think people, like me, realize that was too close for comfort. It shows us that we never just never know when it’s gonna happen, and that in the meantime we should cherish life and that which is in it. Take life by the reigns and run with it, instead of letting it run with you. I feel it’s a lot like how those who survive something like a heart attack completely change their outlook on life, their lifestyle, etc. I’m not admitting that I don’t appreciate life or take it for granted, because I feel I do appreciate it and don’t take it for granted. I’ll go as much to say that to a great extent I live to see that others do the same.

I think the reason why I kept thinking of that person in the time after my accident was not so much because of her enigma, but what she symbolized to me and my life. What I would have done, what could have been, what should have been.

It’s an elementary Silverstein poem. And the song earlier was a Silversun Pickups song.

The blog was understandable because I was using my flickr as a blog, and I can see the reasoning for a wordpress. Twitter and Facebook though, I really have no idea. My thing with social network sites is that people cling to them like parasites, and waste time just looking at photos and leaving comments all day. Which I just feel is a waste of the internet. I really can’t hate the sites, they have their uses. I mean Jayrod did find my older sister on myspace.

Keep an eye out for updates here on my life, ideas, and other cool/random stuff. I’ll try not to bog it down with boring consumer shit and actually keep intelligent and relevant posts.